Tag Archives: submission

elimanninglookingatthings:

Eli at the Yalta Summit.


You will need to Google seach “Tip Drill” on YouTube and watch Nelly’s video to fully understand

  • Mark

    I don’t know why he starts with a fake black person, when the Boondocks aptly noted that white people love cheese

    however i am glad that he mentions benjamins credentials because any white people in a story about cheese shouldve won an award ideally

  • Kelley

    “The man also looks familiar, like most artists in Colorado. Almost exactly like a Village Voice writer in whose periphery Benjamin has been wandering for a couple of years now.”

    I mean, Colorado artists?
    Elaborate.

    I can’t have goat cheese, I get really sick.

  • Kelley

    One time, in Atlanta, we went to this pizza place and they put 800 types of cheese on our pizza. I didn’t realize this. About thirty minutes later I ran out of the restaurant and threw up. Then I laid on the sidewalk because my brother and family were just like, ‘eh, she’ll be fine until we finish.’

  • Mark

    also i like that the lactose intolerance casts a kind of Freudian pall over the story, like it is signifying some deep seated anal retentiveness

    I don’t believe this story would fare well with the tea party crowd

    like, the village voice is a communist publication

    and then what kind of American vomits from pizza?

  • Kelley

    “But of course, Benjamin would write the same story. Would laugh courteously on Sunday, at appropriate moments, whilst Mooney downed pitchers and steaks and regaled a girl from the Dallas Business Journal at the shopping center not quite within walking distance from the Hilton.”

    wait, who is Mooney? And why is he walking distance from Hitler?

  • Mark

    Mooney is the fake black guy

    from the beginning

  • Kelley

    THERE WERE 800 TYPES OF CHEESE ON THE PIZZA

  • Mark

    who films other black guys

    he’s the story’s Sidney Poitier

  • Kelley

    So Mooney is going with the two other people to sell cheese in a traffic jam?

  • Mark

    Do you see what I’m saying? He subverts the whole “only white people love cheese” trope. this story is courageous. it’s like the color purple but replace vaginas with Camembert

  • Kelley

    I’m so confused. Homeless, shoeless men? What kind of marketplace is this?

  • Mark

    An exclamatory kind

  • Kelley

    “Francine, an inconsolable poet, has begun selling cheese out of her Subaru.”

    That is my alter ego right there. An inconsolable poet who sells cheese. I wish I had a Subaru.

  • Mark

    “Fuck!”

  • Kelley

    did you just “vigorous”ly sex yourself?

  • Mark

    That sounds like the beginning of a porno

    I would make a porn version of this story

    They’d both be lesbians in my version

  • Kelley

    ““cheesemonger.” The various social networks made it so.”

    this is how it would open hopefully

  • Mark

    the lesbian pretending to be a SRS WRITAR is not as on overused trope as the boring white dude

    also the dreams of vigorous sex would become realized

    there’d be no couponning

    they would rub themselves down with cash and cheese

  • Kelley

    I just had to yell at someone… I am back

  • Mark

    it would actually just be Benjamin getting a tip drill from Francine

    since that’s what’s at the core of this story

    like it’s about a man who just wants to swipe a credit card down a girl’s ass crack

  • Kelley

    that is the most beautiful music video ever made

  • Mark

    presumably to pay for the cheese he’s going to vomit up

  • Kelley

    there is no cheese in that video. the money being tossed around is the metaphorical ‘cheese’

  • Mark

    exactly

    this story is too brave for that

    it deals with cheese directly

  • Kelley

    what if this was the whole story, “But he’s getting carried away with the parentheticals. None of this is important now. ”

  • Mark

    not some abstract notion we pin to the idea of cheese

  • Kelley

    right right… rap videos about strippers are really vague. I need more concrete language

  • Mark

    yeah this one even has dictionary definitions

    what is more concrete than that

  • Kelley

    like saying, “it must be your ass, because it ain’t your face” is very confusing to me

    i mean, i am quoting lyrics from memory, but what ‘face’ are we really talking about?

    and when you swipe a credit card between ass cheeks, what are you REALLY saying?

  • Mark

    you’re saying “this cheese is mine”

    in both the money way

    and, as this story points out, the literal way

  • Kelley

    it is really tackling some literary hurdles

    “Francine goes livid, pounding her thin wrists against as much Japanese molding as her arms can reach.”

    What is this about Japan’s mold?

  • Mark

    well, you know, that whole fukushima thing

    the mold is radioactive now

    what if swamp thing becomes a reality?

  • Kelley

    you probably shouldn’t pound it then… this really is a porn.

  • Mark

    that’s what she’s worried about

    I’m telling you

    luring people to her subaru

    and everyone knows poets are slutty

    why else would they be luring people to subaru’s

    uhhh i didnt mean to use an apostrophe there

  • Kelley

    if swamp thing became a reality, it’d be a hard-hitting journalist

  • Mark

    that’s what happened to andrew breitbart

  • Kelley

    poets are huge sluts, i should know… i slutted it up five minutes ago

  • Mark

    he didn’t die, he just went back to the swamp

  • Kelley

    that is on his tombstone

  • Mark

    pizza

    which is also his tombstone

  • Kelley

    never get the kind with ‘every’ cheese on it.
    a stomach cannot handle it.

  • Mark

    since swamp thing journalists die from eating 9000 cheese pizza

  • Kelley

    speaking of swampy

  • Mark

    ?

    organ solos?

  • Kelley

    no, i got an update. it is irrelevant now, but this:

    “Reckless; hysterical; much fortune telling. This is what Benjamin records later, in his notebook, on the trail to Emerald Lake.”

    He has so many diaries because of his allergy to dairies

  • Mark

    imagine if this story was set to “in a gadda da vida”

  • Kelley

    see what i did there? as a slut poet?

  • Mark

    yeah it wouldve gone great to iron butterfly too

  • Kelley

    i thought the song was, ‘Andy got a new diva baby’

  • Mark

    because that’s a vagina reference

  • Kelley

    it is really important for me to talk about vaginas at least once a week

  • Mark

    what if this whole story is a metaphor for yeast infections

  • Kelley

    wear more cotton

    eat yogurt

    wait though, where is mooney? did mooney exist? i don’t understand anything.

  • Mark

    synthetic panties give you cheese vagina

    that should be the title of this story

  • Mark

    synthetic panties give you cheese vagina: a mashup of tip drill and in a gadda da vida

     


A Poem By Kir Jordan: Mac vs. PC = Format Malfunction

[dramaticinstrumentalmusic]kir

 

 

 

kelley: hang on let me see why i can’t get it to stay in form
even if i save as rtf
it gets messed up
but i sort of like how it looks

Mark: does it have a bunch of parentheses in it
that’s what happened to me when i tried pasting it

kelley: no, there are like no spaces between words

Mark: yeah in my case it replaced the spaces with closed parentheses
 

commercialstrengthcorporate
powerstructure

urbancapitalism
thisiswhatismeantbytragedy

 

Mark: the lack of spaces makes me think of lilith fair

kelley: somewhere in those nonspaces lies Sarah McLachlan

Mark: that is the placenta canyon
which i thought said placenta cannon at first

kelley: i am not even there yet
i am still on ‘tragedy’

Mark: oh it doesnt say placenta
you are always on tragedy
you are sophocles

 

ofthecommonsoncommongroundinsoiledfootsteps

twobytwobynot
enoughandalwaystoomanysigns

bytheroaddirectsomeonetosomewhereIimagine

 

kelley: are you reading the same poem or are you reading about bathtub birthing

Mark: i am imagining this as explosive tub birth
at lilith fair
its like that william burroughs book

kelley: by the road direct someone to somewhere i imagine? that line? i thought she did a merge of the words ‘lime’ and ‘imagine’
wasn’t he in drugstore cowboy

Mark: who wasn’t

kelley: tv baby shot me

Mark: tv tub birth

 

truck
driverssoin
lovewiththevision
ofnight
highway

inheadlightsgroundedauroraborealisspeaktome

isunshinnotes
these
heavy
quarters

 

kelley: ‘shinnotes’ = a new kind of clog

Mark: is she talking about whole foods

kelley: i was born in a television

Mark: i think this poem is about whole foods

kelley: they don’t have those here

Mark: they have half foods

kelley: you cannot buy sex toys or whole food

Mark: everything is a sex toy in alabama

kelley: every nonhuman thing

Mark: even some human things

 

half
past
yesterday
thedog
wanted

inthcatwantedout
andwantedhot
bath

butthetimewasunavailableappointment

nexweekithe
aisle
with
the
ric

anddriedlentilsspilt
thesquashfleshfall
leaf

orange
with
the
knife
othe
cupboard

attheheartoftheheartofthestorm
in

thewoodwearewolvesteethbaredtoward

existence
willfightthis
tooth
and
nail

gunmetalgleam
andgrocerystoregoodsspace

iyuccaplants
higiPlaceritacanyon
keep

 

kelley: oh i see where you thought you saw ‘placenta’

Mark: why else do you think they aren’t pro choice
sex toy placenta tub birth
i am becoming a spam email

kelley: you are DCCC generated emails

Mark: i had an obama person come to my door the other day

kelley: you told me

Mark: she wouldnt leave
the world needs to know
she kept insinuating that the campaign office had good drugs

kelley: which tier

Mark: and her boobs were everywhere

kelley: as in ‘Total Recall’ mars mutant triple boobs?

Mark: janet jackson at the super bowl

kelley: or just… not strapped in
so JT showed up?

Mark: her dog was JT

kelley: if JT showed up at my door and mentioned a surplus of drugs in the white house

Mark: everyone here is really big on horticulture, she pointed out

kelley: everyone here is really big on genital herpes

 

goinghowlonginthemomentwhen

thefloorsgleamedthingswerefineintrusive

theblue
oyesterday
iaplate
othe
floor

inapebblefrom
theriverput

ithe
potting
soiloapotted
plantborn

indoorwilldiindoorthis
atthe
end

 

Mark: yesterday is a really big theme of this poem

kelley: jovial herpes

Mark: it is like a fleetwood mac song
bill clinton

kelley: guns n roses

Mark: slash giving tub birth in the whole foods
while sarah mclaughlin reads a spam email

kelley: ‘indoorwild’ = into the wild = sean penn = pearl jam
she doesn’t read

Mark: not everything is about school violence kelley

kelley: she just makes commericals about abused dogs
not everything is about eating bad shrooms, mark

Mark: tell that to my gas

kelley: we are discussing the mouse in our kitchen

Mark: everyone has a mouse

kelley: mice are the equivalent to the apartment as pigeons are to a city
or wait
mice are the pigeon of the abode

kelley: or the pigeon of your dealing
i mean dwelling
‘they only take what they need’
‘they are good cleaners’

Mark: sounds racist to me
next he’s going to tell you that he wishes his dad was mexican
so he could get more votes

kelley: basically, we are going to let the mouse continue shitting on our stove top

 

mightjustbeenoughtopush

mightjustbeenoughtoeasetidal


Two poems by Brad Vogler

Mon Feb 8 04:47:13 2010

 

I went to sudbury fight. Like a company

 

I am going to interject right now and say that in my dream Brad thinks I am Dennis Hopper in ‘Apocalypse Now.’ You know, my regular personality? and that may be true, but we should have spent a lot more time focusing on Dennis Hopper when we were writing our book. Also, if Brad is going to be in my dreams, he better be naked.

 

I’m gonna go ahead and say I’m having a really good day and that I love everyone.  Especially brad.  And brad’s naked beard.

 

Do you remember when I had ALL of Brad’s sweatpants? AT ONCE! And when he put on my jeans? I learned so much about poetry that year.

 

I think we all did. 

 

of indians were got near home, and hoped for their

music. Being called to answer to this

narrative, says he, tho offering to shew

in a manner at an end, so that perhaps there are

many things which they had not power to stir

hand or foot, which was a delusion, and than

that moment to end my own miserable

life. A severe and proud dame she was under a false

notion of fascination by the court a

wonderful compulsion in it; what with the first

label removed, under many trials

 

I think Cotton was OCD and worried about VD even though he didn’t know about VD. I think Cotton got the indigenous peoples all mixed up with his OCD and VD fears.

 

That’s an interesting theory.  Yesterday for some reason I told my mom I had to get an STD test and she asked me why and said, “that’s how people date now” and she said, “so you’re dating?” and then I just pretended I was David Caruso for like 15 minutes.

 

I am really proud of you! Did you have sunglasses? Did you have a one-liner?

 

Of course!  Except that my sunglasses have that wrap-around thing going on so it wasn’t quite as smooth as I would have like it to be. Mostly I just ended everything I said with “…’Til now.”

 

and afflictions, whose games are mighty kingdoms?

After the enemy is manifest.

 

 

Texts:

Cotton M, Cotton

Mary Rowlandson, Narrative of the Captivity and Restoration of Mrs. Mary Rowlandson

 

 

 

 

 

Sat Nov 13 13:06:14 2010

 

And in the animal. I think I will study

it, always fresh, always at the time that has brought, and

not rise, as it went closer. The thoughts of all

the company round him in his first

pastoral, tho tis so very cold,

the raven can go on. I had rather wince

 

What if I took Brad’s poetry, switched the line order, and mailed it to him as my own, with a wedding invitation? With my name and his name as the people getting married. Would that freak him out?

 

I can’t imagine that would freak him out any more than the life-size cardboard stand-up of him you keep in your bathroom. 

 

That cardboard cut-out listens to me when I am sobbing in the bathtub while eating Chips Ahoy!

 

Um… so does the real Brad.

 

than die. He had unhappily

reflected on that simpler line

of this class there is immortality, who works and

buys, is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed in

the little mistake, and when, either with the

definitive collapse of the company of sheep

torn by wolves, all and several become wealthy by

 

Do you have any idea how obsessed I was with Jack London? How I wanted to move to the Yukon to get stranded and have a pack of wolves live with me? Do you realize what Kevin Costner did to my imagery by having an 8 hour movie where he shits on everything? Did I spell his last name right?

 

Kevin Costner is an incredibly tan man, you know?  But I appreciate that his head has not spread in a John Travolta / Leo DiCaprio way. 

Oh man… I want Brad to rap this on his next album. I will buy him a new bike helmet if he does.

 

He is tan. He would fit in with the girls here. But. He appropriates. I hate him. I wish his face would spread.

 

trading at the revelations.

 

Texts:

Emily Dickinson, Dickinson-Higginson Letters

Mary Rowlandson, Narrative of the Captivity and Restoration of Mrs. Mary Rowlandson

Gray, Natures Miracles

Holbrook, Book of Nature Myths

Purney, Full Enquiry into Pastoral

Unknown, Nature of Peace

 

 


This potential movie is all symbolism for what happens when a lighter runs out of fluid.

This Is Major Tom To Ground Control

 

 

Cast:

Major Tom–Dan Bailey

Ground Control–Crane Giamo

 

Scene 1.

open with Ground Control.  in a boiler room warehouse basement.

 

The boiler room was the only place Jordan Catalano would take Angela.

 

Who?

 

Jared Leto? “My So-Called Life?” Rayanne told Angela she was “not ready for the boiler room.” I just want to know where all these high schools get boiler rooms for kids to do illicit things. We just had the parking lot.

 

we didn’t have a boiler room.  but we must have had some kind of storage area because we had these dead cats for anatomy class.  like in boxes.  i don’t think I would’ve taken a girl to the dead-cat-storage area though.  even if she was a goth.

 

 

industrial, dark, sterile, pipes.  Ground Control wears a suit a tie a gas mask.  at a desk with an outdated monitor.  dot matrix paper.  works aimlessly.  departs room.  misses the red blinking light on the telephone indicating that Major Tom has attempted to connect with Ground Control from outer space [filmed in black and white, otherwise silent, maybe a boiler room type drone]

 

I get the feeling Major Tom is needy. At first, I read that as Major Torn – and I thought we were going to get to read erotica.

 

Oh man we should do some erotica up in here.  if I was gonna write an erotical piece I would have the main character be called “captain hipster beard”.  He would drive a chevy nova and have a band called Meet My Moustache.

 

Scene 2.

camera close up on a photograph of planet earth taken from outer space.  camera shakes violently to give the impression that the earth is having an epileptic seizure.  all at once the shaking stops.  then dark.  then there is some noise music.  music stops.  stops in sync with the visual. [color comes in, tarkovsky like]

 

Is this a National Geographic type photo of the Earth?

 

I think it should be a kid’s drawing of Earth.

 

I think it should just be Will Smith in “Independence Day” punching an alien on a loop.

 

I tried to watch “I-Robot” last night but the dvd was all fucked up. I did get to see will smith in the shower because for some reason his character didn’t have a shower curtain.  Like maybe in the future they don’t use shower curtains.  But I think they might have to… even in 2035 people are still gonna have downstairs neighbors. 

That’s a really good name for a chapbook.  “Even in 2035 People Still Have Downstairs Neighbors”.

 

Scene 3.

very slow fade in from deep space to Major Tom walking through sand dunes [now in black and white, panoramic shot]

 

I bet Major Torn is all sex appeal. Major Torn is all oily and greased up and sand clings to his skin, but never touches his face.

 

I didn’t really see him shirtless… way to go, hetero.

 

Scene 4.

hitchhiking [still black and white]

 

Last time I picked up hitchhikers… they were trying to get to a Phish concert. I’ve never felt more threatened in my life.

 

They should make more movies about hitchhikers.  They should make a musical about hitchhikers.  Wait I think that’s the plot of “Hair”. 

 

I think this play is really romantic. 

 

Scene 5.

scenes of the horizon, agriculture, fields, wind turbines, foothills, mountains, cows, hawks on fences, wilted flowers, creeks, railroads

 

Why are the flowers wilted? Is it hot? Everything else seems to exist as it, right? But the flowers are suffering. Is this a political ad?

 

See now I am kind of picturing Major Torn as played by Al Gore… and thanks to you he’s shirtless.  So shit’s getting weird in my headspace.

 

No! He is wearing a camo vest without a shirt. Like in 80’s movies. I can’t even believe you brought up Al Gore.

 

Scene 6.

a bathtub in a field.  underwater in an ice bath [overhead shot, close up of Major Tom’s submerged face with a calm expression].  wooden desk upon which are a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  Major Tom reaches for the cigarettes.  lights one.  [having second thoughts on the cigarette might seem too rockstar.  okay what about a stogie or a popsicle?  ice cream cone?]

 

If the Major can smoke or eat while submerged in a bathtub, he has my vote for president. I can’t even get cigarettes to stay lit when it is raining outside.

 

Al Gore would not smoke in a field.  But I think he’d totally eat a Popsicle in a bathtub. While listening to Adele. 

 

You mean Brenda Carlisle.

 

It’s Brandi Carlile. And, yes, al gore would listen to brandi carlile in the bathtub.

 

 

 

Scene 7.

at a payphone at a highway rest stop.  lover recently deceased [flash to tombstone?  other ways to convey this death? we need to buy plastic body bags]

 

You know how movies always have that deep voice over during the trailer? This movie’s voice over should just say, “We need to buy plastic body bags” on repeat while random scenes flash. The trailer should be longer than the movie.

 

I couldn’t agree more.  Maybe we should make trailers.  I’ve actually always wanted to make trailers. 

 

You know how trailers these days cut into rapid-sequence scenes with like one huge word… like (field) “WE” (tub faucet) “NEED” (outer space) “PLASTIC” (random wet alien face) “BODYBAGS” (explosion) “in theaters summer 2012”. 

 

Do you think these guys will let us make their trailer?

 

If I present myself as the ginger from CSI Miami and do a stare down? With sunglasses? They will.

 

Scene 8.

home is an abandoned, whitewashed trailer.  walks to a spot above the river where Ground Control will later burn Major Tom’s silver suit in a fire]

 

Offended by the white trash trailer.

 

Home really is an abandoned white trash trailer. If you think about it.

 

Scene 9.

atm [dusk]

 

Offended by lack of funds.

 

You know what I hate?  When people say “ATM machine.”  That’s just stupid.

 

Scene 10.

buying a shovel and rope [still dusk]

 

Dusk never lasts long: they must be in the desert. Go check that shit, make sure they are in the desert.

 

Pretty sure they’re in Kansas.

 

Great great great great band. Almost as good as that Mustache band you mentioned which doesn’t exist.

 

Yet.

 

Scene 11.

mexican dive bar.  live band.  stobelights.  empty dance floor

 

Do you remember that bar in Fort Collins which was exactly like this? And they charged about seventeen dollars for a Corona?

 

They had dog bowls instead of ashtrays.  But they also has a kickin mariachi band and they really wanted us to come back for karaoke.  Well… I don’t think the bartender wanted us to come back for karaoke.  Or the old guys at the other end of the bar. 

 

Scene 12.

walking down the road with a shovel and rope [then night, watching stars, satellites]

 

See? Desert. Not Kansas. I totally did this while living in Nevada, except I was watching for police.

 

It’s actually always been a dream of mine to walk around the desert of Nevada carrying a shovel and a rope and a child’s drawing of the earth.

 

 

Scene 13.

graveyard.  the grave of the deceased lover.  simple unmarked tombstone

 

Tombstones are really expensive. Each letter? I want my tombstone to read SIMPLE UNMARKED TOMBSTONE.

 

I want my tombstone to say “we need to talk.”

 

Scene 14

first failed suicide attempt.  hangs the rope from a tree limb directly above the tombstone.  stands on the unmarked tombstone and ties a noose.  shifts feet from beneath the tombstone.  falls.  cuts to a body bag act of necrophilia in the grave

 

The torn Major falls into an orifice? That’s what I say when I “accidentally” fondle someone under a table: “This is my first failed suicide attempt.”

 

I tried that on a bus.  Black eye.  That’s all I’m gonna say.

 

Scene 15

departing the graveyard.  “the world is perfect the way it is”

 

Necrophilia releases endorphins and makes you want to live, you know?

 

I don’t get necrophilia.  It just seems really clammy.  Like actually clammy. 

 

Scene 16

[now light is arriving] a church pew.  an empty church.  go to the bathroom to shave.

do a haircut.  brush and floss.

 

If it is a dry shave = suicidal again = watch the movie ‘Predator’ to understand this.

 

That’s a really great place to do that.  You know how most movies show some guy who’s probably Harrison ford cutting his hair in a nasty gas station bathroom?  I just never understood why it had to be a nasty gas station bathroom.  And also whenever I go into nasty gas station bathrooms I always check for hair dye now. You know… for fugitives.

 

Scene 17.

alleyway.  a stray dog.  “love what you can”

 

At some point Al Gore is going to have to decide between necrophilia and bestiality.

 

I bet he lectures the dog and then gives it a flower.  That’s how Al rolls.  And that’s why I voted for him. Twice.

 

Scene 18.

walking

 

Way to rub salt in the wound of every paraplegic. And paralegal.

 

This is exactly what my calendar says.  “Walking: Moderate. 35 minutes.” I’m trying to work up to running without blowing out my knee (like some people) (who are you).

 

Scene 19.

second failed suicide attempt.  mid-morning at a dumpster.  a canister of antifreeze.  consume it and vomit.  fall asleep.

 

I knew this dude who threatened to kill stray cats with antifreeze. I called his mom.

 

I love the word “canister” but I want it to be “canister of biscuits” because that would be a great suicide attempt.  Only I mean british biscuits.  Like cookies.  Not southern biscuits, which would actually kill you.

 

Scene 20.

a dream.  underwater human birth with dolphins.  a rocket launch

 

Antifreeze makes really wonderful things happen. So does suicide attempts. I understand Sylvia Plath.

 

Here’s the thing… there’s been a lot of underwater human birth imagery this year.  I’ve drawn a lot of weird underwater human birth illustrations this year.  So I see a pattern here.

 

Scene 21.

[here we need an ending]

 

This should have been the ending to every comic book / superhero – turned movie. ever. made.

 

This is how all my fiction ends.  Sometimes I also write “god stop writing fiction, stupid.” 


Poem from a manly man

Zach has a book coming out by the way: http://deletepress.org/

A bug flew into my coffee and I just woke up.

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Zach Keebaugh
Date: Tue, Sep 23, 2008 at 2:56 AM
Subject: dearest gila
To: gila

the poem, hitherto untitled, may henceforth be referenced by those first stark words:  “dearest gila.”  it continues, “hey it’s zach.  we had a brief correspondence on myspace a while ago.  i really liked it; it was charming and no one had to explain any jokes.  sorry if it’s annoying that i’m writing almost this entire thing in quotation marks.  obviously an explanation is due; the truth is i enjoy inscribing my voice in some ‘other’ mode of communicating.  i’m actually too tired to do this right now; so i will resign myself to speaking through the ‘reduced authentic’ voice — but not without putting it into quotation marks.  of course they (the upside-down semi-colons or whatever) are also a defense mechanism, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a bad-ass party in here.  it’s like speaking through a fan underwater.  this email is just going to sit and fucking chill in these quotation marks.

i lost it at “bad-ass party” because i was thinking of a cartoon machine with sharp teeth for some reason.

I was wondering how often I use quotation marks, and I realized that whenever I am emailing a supervisor? I will start putting quotes around certain phrases to show I am being playful/sarcastic. Why would I do that with a supervisor? They don’t really like me anyway – especially here.

i’m one of those people who use air quotes.  that makes me a horrible person, actually.  i mean it would be less annoying if every time i was quoting something i just bit the person i was speaking to.

Biting people is a new pandemic. I have to go clean the green ooze out of my dog’s eyes (allergies).

i was just emailing somebody in virginia about your dog’s allergies.  i don’t know why i specified virginia.  that seems completely irrelevant.

Well, that is a completely irrelevant state. We need to go smoke and talk about what your “friend” said about my dog.

with those mermaids from ‘driving miss daisy’ fanning it and with jimmy buffet in the background but not ‘margaritaville’, the one about the cheeseburgers, ‘cheeseburger in paradise’, and all the wonders of the ocean are benign and at your mercy, like the eyes of the lobsters and crabs are all cartoony and the octopuses and squids all have minnie mouse eyelashes and all the things with eyes too scary to switch up, or would just be scary with any pair of eyes, and especially with no eyes, are just somewhere else waiting to be summoned in the ghostly improbable event of an attack.

Were mermaids in ‘Driving Miss Daisy?’ How did I miss that?! Was it because that movie was all, ‘Oh, racism is cool if you LOVE the African American driver, but you just never tell him.”

well morgan freeman is a kind of mermaid.  seriously.  he was in “robin hood: prince of thieves” with kevin costner who was a kind of fish-man in “waterworld”. ergo… mermaid.

Oh, okay, but mermaids are sticky for me. And not just from all the ejaculate, but because my mom would have me go in a room, put on ‘The Little Mermaid,’ and turn it up loud so I couldn’t hear her trying throwing plates in the kitchen. It is all trauma.

i just remember when ariel comes up out of the water at some point and there was an appalling lack of breast bounce.

I would have taken the kingdom, she wanted to be domestic and wear a wedding dress (kind of like ALL the people we know).

2.  what is your favorite thing?  this is a hard question to answer; however, i do know what my favorite thing is, but sometimes it just isn’t in the foreground of my consciousness, so sometimes i wouldn’t be able to answer this question as well.  in those cases, i would say “sleep” which is also what my father would say, and i honestly have no problem with that.  but definitely, my favorite thing is “charles fourier.”  so i would like to know what your favorite thing is and if you like charles fourier.

I mean, number 1 had to do with dolphins, but then I just thought about ‘Waterworld’ and yeah, you said he was a fish-man, but you’ve also pointed out his “gills” looked like vaginas behind his ears.

if you actually had vaginas behind your ears “earmuffs” would mean something entirely different.

So, I am now rethinking vagina ears, but I had to look up the name Fourier (because I don’t know anything) and I thought it had to do with frotteurism, but Wiki tells me he coined the term feminism. Okay, that’s a funny mix up, but how can a dude come up with feminism? But after reading about Fourier and frotteur-izing the couch… I think Charles was awesome.

Also, I would have appreciated a conversation like this in 2008, but not 2007, so I think timing is everything.

sex

the thing is… were i a young man… now is the time in my life when i would sport a prosperous beard.  and it would be irresistible.

I’m just looking at Zach and thinking of taking off that winter hat and going full “earmuff” on him.