This Is Major Tom To Ground Control
Major Tom–Dan Bailey
Ground Control–Crane Giamo
open with Ground Control. in a boiler room warehouse basement.
The boiler room was the only place Jordan Catalano would take Angela.
Jared Leto? “My So-Called Life?” Rayanne told Angela she was “not ready for the boiler room.” I just want to know where all these high schools get boiler rooms for kids to do illicit things. We just had the parking lot.
we didn’t have a boiler room. but we must have had some kind of storage area because we had these dead cats for anatomy class. like in boxes. i don’t think I would’ve taken a girl to the dead-cat-storage area though. even if she was a goth.
industrial, dark, sterile, pipes. Ground Control wears a suit a tie a gas mask. at a desk with an outdated monitor. dot matrix paper. works aimlessly. departs room. misses the red blinking light on the telephone indicating that Major Tom has attempted to connect with Ground Control from outer space [filmed in black and white, otherwise silent, maybe a boiler room type drone]
I get the feeling Major Tom is needy. At first, I read that as Major Torn – and I thought we were going to get to read erotica.
Oh man we should do some erotica up in here. if I was gonna write an erotical piece I would have the main character be called “captain hipster beard”. He would drive a chevy nova and have a band called Meet My Moustache.
camera close up on a photograph of planet earth taken from outer space. camera shakes violently to give the impression that the earth is having an epileptic seizure. all at once the shaking stops. then dark. then there is some noise music. music stops. stops in sync with the visual. [color comes in, tarkovsky like]
Is this a National Geographic type photo of the Earth?
I think it should be a kid’s drawing of Earth.
I think it should just be Will Smith in “Independence Day” punching an alien on a loop.
I tried to watch “I-Robot” last night but the dvd was all fucked up. I did get to see will smith in the shower because for some reason his character didn’t have a shower curtain. Like maybe in the future they don’t use shower curtains. But I think they might have to… even in 2035 people are still gonna have downstairs neighbors.
That’s a really good name for a chapbook. “Even in 2035 People Still Have Downstairs Neighbors”.
very slow fade in from deep space to Major Tom walking through sand dunes [now in black and white, panoramic shot]
I bet Major Torn is all sex appeal. Major Torn is all oily and greased up and sand clings to his skin, but never touches his face.
I didn’t really see him shirtless… way to go, hetero.
hitchhiking [still black and white]
Last time I picked up hitchhikers… they were trying to get to a Phish concert. I’ve never felt more threatened in my life.
They should make more movies about hitchhikers. They should make a musical about hitchhikers. Wait I think that’s the plot of “Hair”.
I think this play is really romantic.
scenes of the horizon, agriculture, fields, wind turbines, foothills, mountains, cows, hawks on fences, wilted flowers, creeks, railroads
Why are the flowers wilted? Is it hot? Everything else seems to exist as it, right? But the flowers are suffering. Is this a political ad?
See now I am kind of picturing Major Torn as played by Al Gore… and thanks to you he’s shirtless. So shit’s getting weird in my headspace.
No! He is wearing a camo vest without a shirt. Like in 80’s movies. I can’t even believe you brought up Al Gore.
a bathtub in a field. underwater in an ice bath [overhead shot, close up of Major Tom’s submerged face with a calm expression]. wooden desk upon which are a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Major Tom reaches for the cigarettes. lights one. [having second thoughts on the cigarette might seem too rockstar. okay what about a stogie or a popsicle? ice cream cone?]
If the Major can smoke or eat while submerged in a bathtub, he has my vote for president. I can’t even get cigarettes to stay lit when it is raining outside.
Al Gore would not smoke in a field. But I think he’d totally eat a Popsicle in a bathtub. While listening to Adele.
You mean Brenda Carlisle.
It’s Brandi Carlile. And, yes, al gore would listen to brandi carlile in the bathtub.
at a payphone at a highway rest stop. lover recently deceased [flash to tombstone? other ways to convey this death? we need to buy plastic body bags]
You know how movies always have that deep voice over during the trailer? This movie’s voice over should just say, “We need to buy plastic body bags” on repeat while random scenes flash. The trailer should be longer than the movie.
I couldn’t agree more. Maybe we should make trailers. I’ve actually always wanted to make trailers.
You know how trailers these days cut into rapid-sequence scenes with like one huge word… like (field) “WE” (tub faucet) “NEED” (outer space) “PLASTIC” (random wet alien face) “BODYBAGS” (explosion) “in theaters summer 2012”.
Do you think these guys will let us make their trailer?
If I present myself as the ginger from CSI Miami and do a stare down? With sunglasses? They will.
home is an abandoned, whitewashed trailer. walks to a spot above the river where Ground Control will later burn Major Tom’s silver suit in a fire]
Offended by the white trash trailer.
Home really is an abandoned white trash trailer. If you think about it.
Offended by lack of funds.
You know what I hate? When people say “ATM machine.” That’s just stupid.
buying a shovel and rope [still dusk]
Dusk never lasts long: they must be in the desert. Go check that shit, make sure they are in the desert.
Pretty sure they’re in Kansas.
Great great great great band. Almost as good as that Mustache band you mentioned which doesn’t exist.
mexican dive bar. live band. stobelights. empty dance floor
Do you remember that bar in Fort Collins which was exactly like this? And they charged about seventeen dollars for a Corona?
They had dog bowls instead of ashtrays. But they also has a kickin mariachi band and they really wanted us to come back for karaoke. Well… I don’t think the bartender wanted us to come back for karaoke. Or the old guys at the other end of the bar.
walking down the road with a shovel and rope [then night, watching stars, satellites]
See? Desert. Not Kansas. I totally did this while living in Nevada, except I was watching for police.
It’s actually always been a dream of mine to walk around the desert of Nevada carrying a shovel and a rope and a child’s drawing of the earth.
graveyard. the grave of the deceased lover. simple unmarked tombstone
Tombstones are really expensive. Each letter? I want my tombstone to read SIMPLE UNMARKED TOMBSTONE.
I want my tombstone to say “we need to talk.”
first failed suicide attempt. hangs the rope from a tree limb directly above the tombstone. stands on the unmarked tombstone and ties a noose. shifts feet from beneath the tombstone. falls. cuts to a body bag act of necrophilia in the grave
The torn Major falls into an orifice? That’s what I say when I “accidentally” fondle someone under a table: “This is my first failed suicide attempt.”
I tried that on a bus. Black eye. That’s all I’m gonna say.
departing the graveyard. “the world is perfect the way it is”
Necrophilia releases endorphins and makes you want to live, you know?
I don’t get necrophilia. It just seems really clammy. Like actually clammy.
[now light is arriving] a church pew. an empty church. go to the bathroom to shave.
do a haircut. brush and floss.
If it is a dry shave = suicidal again = watch the movie ‘Predator’ to understand this.
That’s a really great place to do that. You know how most movies show some guy who’s probably Harrison ford cutting his hair in a nasty gas station bathroom? I just never understood why it had to be a nasty gas station bathroom. And also whenever I go into nasty gas station bathrooms I always check for hair dye now. You know… for fugitives.
alleyway. a stray dog. “love what you can”
At some point Al Gore is going to have to decide between necrophilia and bestiality.
I bet he lectures the dog and then gives it a flower. That’s how Al rolls. And that’s why I voted for him. Twice.
Way to rub salt in the wound of every paraplegic. And paralegal.
This is exactly what my calendar says. “Walking: Moderate. 35 minutes.” I’m trying to work up to running without blowing out my knee (like some people) (who are you).
second failed suicide attempt. mid-morning at a dumpster. a canister of antifreeze. consume it and vomit. fall asleep.
I knew this dude who threatened to kill stray cats with antifreeze. I called his mom.
I love the word “canister” but I want it to be “canister of biscuits” because that would be a great suicide attempt. Only I mean british biscuits. Like cookies. Not southern biscuits, which would actually kill you.
a dream. underwater human birth with dolphins. a rocket launch
Antifreeze makes really wonderful things happen. So does suicide attempts. I understand Sylvia Plath.
Here’s the thing… there’s been a lot of underwater human birth imagery this year. I’ve drawn a lot of weird underwater human birth illustrations this year. So I see a pattern here.
[here we need an ending]
This should have been the ending to every comic book / superhero – turned movie. ever. made.
This is how all my fiction ends. Sometimes I also write “god stop writing fiction, stupid.”