Tag Archives: dialogue

WordPress changed some things and it took me more than 30 seconds to figure out, so now I’m going to plunder a local village.

A conversation in NJ when I was 18 years old:

Anyway, I had this friend who was a stripper for awhile and she made a ton of money. She said, “Don’t even think about it, you’re too hostile.” And I was all, “WUT?!”

Then, she reminded me of the time I head-butted a guy for complimenting me. Listen, her memory is flawed. I was about 15 years old and this MAN said I was pretty and asked me to ‘touch it’ in front of a HESS gas station. My friends started laughing because?

Yeah, so he walked over to me and kind of leaned down because I am short, and I hit him in the nose with my forehead. It hurt. Then, she was like, “Oh yeah, okay okay, but you are still too spastic.”

We eventually took the train into the city and she paid for our dinner. She asked a random group of dudes hanging out on a corner if they had any weed, and one guy shouted, “Don’t pull some 21 Jump Street shit on me!” I’m still friends with that guy.


Fox News: Defenders of your hymens





Sunshine posted to Kelley
i just read that article about waiting until the wedding night aaaanddd… it aroused me.
  • Kelley  I think he called me a whore.
  • Sunshine it’s not your fault you and your partner aren’t allowed to be married in Alabama.
  • Sunshine it’s god’s law.
  • Kelley  I think he said we are the ruin of marriage. Because God loves a good reception without alcohol or dancing.
  • Kelley  Basically, God is John Lithgow in Footloose before Lithgow was okay with his daughter getting boned by Kevin Bacon.
  • Sunshine  that didn’t work in Foot Loose…oh my god. great minds.
  • Kelley God was like, “you had me at ‘king david did it'”
  • Sunshine  except i spelled Footloose like Foot Locker.
  • Kelley  well, the movie was pretty much a two hour commercial for Foot Locker.
  • Kelley  and gymnastics
  • Sunshine  i also liked the part where he seemed to indicate that if your new spouse sleeps in, you’re going to hell.
  • Kelley  and tractor races
  • Sunshine  and kurt vonnegut.
  • Kelley  the author’s naive, little threshold wife didn’t understand what ‘sleeping in’ meant. She and her hymen of supreme light thought the OTHER wife was you know, an early riser
  • Kelley  does that mean fox news hates schenectady, ny?
  • Sunshine Hymen of Supreme Light.
  • Sunshine  no but god does.
  • Kelley That’s what I called mine until Kotex stole it.
  • Sunshine i ran a bike into a cattle fence. COLORADO STYLE! yeah
  • Kelley God loves Schenectady. Why else would he send GE and ALCO to…nevermind
  • Sunshine that word looks like “shenakedlady”
  • Sunshine god doesn’t like that.
  • Kelley No, those are the Native Americans that the Dutch massacred. They no longer exist.
  • Sunshine god doesn’t like any of those either.
  • Sunshine especially the dutch.
  • Sunshine that’s why whenever you use the term “you’re in dutch!” god laughs and submerges a small island.
  • Kelley is that why Schenaynay went up in flames when the French and Native Americans attacked? Because god hates the name van Curler?
  • Kelley  let’s bring this back to hymens… it is less politically charged
  • Sunshine god hates all vans and anything to do with curlers. just look at “sleepaway camp”
  • Sunshine  ooh i just did accidentally, huh?
  • Kelley you did! shadow puppets!
  • Kelley although I don’t think she had a hymen at that point.
  • Kelley She was very unkind to transgender people.
  • Sunshine  was that M-E-G Meg?
  • Kelley  Meg got hers in the shower, Judy got it with the curler. Arent Van Curler, the founder of Schenectady….
  • Sunshine  were you aware that there are like three sequels? and i just can’t wrap my head around how that’s possible.
  • Sunshine and my god i wish my first name was “arent”
  • Kelley I will not participate in any sequels to that movie
  • Sunshine i refuse to even acknowledge them other than my previous acknowledgement
  • Sunshine  “Arent, you gonna eat that?” “Arent, you going to the store?”
  • Kelley even that was too much. too assertive. too nontraditional. too sleeping in the day after your wedding while your bride breakfasts by herself next to two judgmental twats…
  • Kelley slow down on the puns before i marry you off to dave.
  • Sunshine  “Arent, you gonna have pre-marital sex?”
  • Kelley ^ i’m amazing
  • Sunshine dave won’t have me no mo.
  • Kelley arent you going to pretend you didn’t fingerbang your high school girlfriend?
  • Kelley is it because of the bicycle incident?
  • Sunshine ummmm… i think it’s cuz i read stuff.
  • Sunshine not 100% sure about that.
  • Kelley  it is like this girl i knew one time, she wouldn’t shack up with me because i pointed out things.
  • Kelley she wasn’t a hymen hoarder though
  • Sunshine  that sounds really gross.
  • Kelley  it is good for anemia.
  • Sunshine you know what else is good for anemia? weddings.
  • Kelley early breakfasts with the dew of newly approved vows upon one’s brow
  • Kelley  to honor and obey tattooed on the woman’s flank
  • Sunshine  that’s a good poem.
  • Sunshine the last three lines.
  • Kelley it’d be a tribute to TLC
  • Sunshine  i just looked up the word “nonpareil” because you said “nonperson.” i thought it was a candy. i was wrong.
  • Kelley is it an umbrella? a live-in nanny?
  • Kelley are they the same thing?
  • Sunshine  oh it IS a candy! but also “without equal.” and yes… an umbrella and a live-in nanny are, in fact, the same thing.
  • Kelley  a candy without equal? that’s racist.
  • Sunshine  it’s french or something.
  • Kelley  that makes me want to watch Clue
  • Sunshine that analysis of Legend made me want to watch Clue. and also love Tim Curry more than i ever thought possible.
  • Sunshine  Tim Curry is nonpareil.
  • Kelley  I KNOW
  • Kelley  TRUTH
    i am here for you

    Come get some

You will need to Google seach “Tip Drill” on YouTube and watch Nelly’s video to fully understand

  • Mark

    I don’t know why he starts with a fake black person, when the Boondocks aptly noted that white people love cheese

    however i am glad that he mentions benjamins credentials because any white people in a story about cheese shouldve won an award ideally

  • Kelley

    “The man also looks familiar, like most artists in Colorado. Almost exactly like a Village Voice writer in whose periphery Benjamin has been wandering for a couple of years now.”

    I mean, Colorado artists?

    I can’t have goat cheese, I get really sick.

  • Kelley

    One time, in Atlanta, we went to this pizza place and they put 800 types of cheese on our pizza. I didn’t realize this. About thirty minutes later I ran out of the restaurant and threw up. Then I laid on the sidewalk because my brother and family were just like, ‘eh, she’ll be fine until we finish.’

  • Mark

    also i like that the lactose intolerance casts a kind of Freudian pall over the story, like it is signifying some deep seated anal retentiveness

    I don’t believe this story would fare well with the tea party crowd

    like, the village voice is a communist publication

    and then what kind of American vomits from pizza?

  • Kelley

    “But of course, Benjamin would write the same story. Would laugh courteously on Sunday, at appropriate moments, whilst Mooney downed pitchers and steaks and regaled a girl from the Dallas Business Journal at the shopping center not quite within walking distance from the Hilton.”

    wait, who is Mooney? And why is he walking distance from Hitler?

  • Mark

    Mooney is the fake black guy

    from the beginning

  • Kelley


  • Mark

    who films other black guys

    he’s the story’s Sidney Poitier

  • Kelley

    So Mooney is going with the two other people to sell cheese in a traffic jam?

  • Mark

    Do you see what I’m saying? He subverts the whole “only white people love cheese” trope. this story is courageous. it’s like the color purple but replace vaginas with Camembert

  • Kelley

    I’m so confused. Homeless, shoeless men? What kind of marketplace is this?

  • Mark

    An exclamatory kind

  • Kelley

    “Francine, an inconsolable poet, has begun selling cheese out of her Subaru.”

    That is my alter ego right there. An inconsolable poet who sells cheese. I wish I had a Subaru.

  • Mark


  • Kelley

    did you just “vigorous”ly sex yourself?

  • Mark

    That sounds like the beginning of a porno

    I would make a porn version of this story

    They’d both be lesbians in my version

  • Kelley

    ““cheesemonger.” The various social networks made it so.”

    this is how it would open hopefully

  • Mark

    the lesbian pretending to be a SRS WRITAR is not as on overused trope as the boring white dude

    also the dreams of vigorous sex would become realized

    there’d be no couponning

    they would rub themselves down with cash and cheese

  • Kelley

    I just had to yell at someone… I am back

  • Mark

    it would actually just be Benjamin getting a tip drill from Francine

    since that’s what’s at the core of this story

    like it’s about a man who just wants to swipe a credit card down a girl’s ass crack

  • Kelley

    that is the most beautiful music video ever made

  • Mark

    presumably to pay for the cheese he’s going to vomit up

  • Kelley

    there is no cheese in that video. the money being tossed around is the metaphorical ‘cheese’

  • Mark


    this story is too brave for that

    it deals with cheese directly

  • Kelley

    what if this was the whole story, “But he’s getting carried away with the parentheticals. None of this is important now. ”

  • Mark

    not some abstract notion we pin to the idea of cheese

  • Kelley

    right right… rap videos about strippers are really vague. I need more concrete language

  • Mark

    yeah this one even has dictionary definitions

    what is more concrete than that

  • Kelley

    like saying, “it must be your ass, because it ain’t your face” is very confusing to me

    i mean, i am quoting lyrics from memory, but what ‘face’ are we really talking about?

    and when you swipe a credit card between ass cheeks, what are you REALLY saying?

  • Mark

    you’re saying “this cheese is mine”

    in both the money way

    and, as this story points out, the literal way

  • Kelley

    it is really tackling some literary hurdles

    “Francine goes livid, pounding her thin wrists against as much Japanese molding as her arms can reach.”

    What is this about Japan’s mold?

  • Mark

    well, you know, that whole fukushima thing

    the mold is radioactive now

    what if swamp thing becomes a reality?

  • Kelley

    you probably shouldn’t pound it then… this really is a porn.

  • Mark

    that’s what she’s worried about

    I’m telling you

    luring people to her subaru

    and everyone knows poets are slutty

    why else would they be luring people to subaru’s

    uhhh i didnt mean to use an apostrophe there

  • Kelley

    if swamp thing became a reality, it’d be a hard-hitting journalist

  • Mark

    that’s what happened to andrew breitbart

  • Kelley

    poets are huge sluts, i should know… i slutted it up five minutes ago

  • Mark

    he didn’t die, he just went back to the swamp

  • Kelley

    that is on his tombstone

  • Mark


    which is also his tombstone

  • Kelley

    never get the kind with ‘every’ cheese on it.
    a stomach cannot handle it.

  • Mark

    since swamp thing journalists die from eating 9000 cheese pizza

  • Kelley

    speaking of swampy

  • Mark


    organ solos?

  • Kelley

    no, i got an update. it is irrelevant now, but this:

    “Reckless; hysterical; much fortune telling. This is what Benjamin records later, in his notebook, on the trail to Emerald Lake.”

    He has so many diaries because of his allergy to dairies

  • Mark

    imagine if this story was set to “in a gadda da vida”

  • Kelley

    see what i did there? as a slut poet?

  • Mark

    yeah it wouldve gone great to iron butterfly too

  • Kelley

    i thought the song was, ‘Andy got a new diva baby’

  • Mark

    because that’s a vagina reference

  • Kelley

    it is really important for me to talk about vaginas at least once a week

  • Mark

    what if this whole story is a metaphor for yeast infections

  • Kelley

    wear more cotton

    eat yogurt

    wait though, where is mooney? did mooney exist? i don’t understand anything.

  • Mark

    synthetic panties give you cheese vagina

    that should be the title of this story

  • Mark

    synthetic panties give you cheese vagina: a mashup of tip drill and in a gadda da vida


I am going to go watch some politicians to some political things while reading about politics because I am simply a consumer.

I recently reblogged this:


Proclaiming: “I’m going out with my unemployed peers (MFA degrees are a good decision), and we WILL find a credible sources.”

Which turned into a Twittle fest with föezsz – who rules.

föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeath working my arse hard for joining you & rejoicing in asap. MFA is an organic made neon buttplug

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath

@feozsz Thank you!Some people were trying to convince me that I’d actually have to perform fellatio in order to gain credibility as a source

föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeath cunnilingulus is for sure a linguistic procession. it’ll speak for itself. no worries.

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath

@feozsz I’m going to need a source for that gesture too. People are really into empirical research methodology.

föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeath Epistomological Monism kills Marriage.

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath

@feozsz Are you teaching that class again this Spring!?

föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeath I’ve just Invaded the College of Fina Arts. Hoisting an ELF flag to the main entrance. Shall I pirate the reading list?

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath

@feozsz Yes, but make sure someone gets a black eye in the process. Progress. One broken nose at a time.

föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeath my index finger been broken for the last 6 months and the pain is surrealistically MFAsome.

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath

@feozsz I’ve had at least 5 concussions in the past two years. My memory is realistically MFAentitled.

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath


föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeath singing a song called ”all my pseudo-MFA theses”

kelley irms ‏@couchdeath



sexual val

föezsz ‏@feozsz

@couchdeathhttp://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnv4hpYKQa1qf3dsno1_500.gif …

hit that pole

sexual freud

The second part leaked over to Facebook. I’m Joe Biden.

A Poem By Kir Jordan: Mac vs. PC = Format Malfunction





kelley: hang on let me see why i can’t get it to stay in form
even if i save as rtf
it gets messed up
but i sort of like how it looks

Mark: does it have a bunch of parentheses in it
that’s what happened to me when i tried pasting it

kelley: no, there are like no spaces between words

Mark: yeah in my case it replaced the spaces with closed parentheses




Mark: the lack of spaces makes me think of lilith fair

kelley: somewhere in those nonspaces lies Sarah McLachlan

Mark: that is the placenta canyon
which i thought said placenta cannon at first

kelley: i am not even there yet
i am still on ‘tragedy’

Mark: oh it doesnt say placenta
you are always on tragedy
you are sophocles






kelley: are you reading the same poem or are you reading about bathtub birthing

Mark: i am imagining this as explosive tub birth
at lilith fair
its like that william burroughs book

kelley: by the road direct someone to somewhere i imagine? that line? i thought she did a merge of the words ‘lime’ and ‘imagine’
wasn’t he in drugstore cowboy

Mark: who wasn’t

kelley: tv baby shot me

Mark: tv tub birth






kelley: ‘shinnotes’ = a new kind of clog

Mark: is she talking about whole foods

kelley: i was born in a television

Mark: i think this poem is about whole foods

kelley: they don’t have those here

Mark: they have half foods

kelley: you cannot buy sex toys or whole food

Mark: everything is a sex toy in alabama

kelley: every nonhuman thing

Mark: even some human things














kelley: oh i see where you thought you saw ‘placenta’

Mark: why else do you think they aren’t pro choice
sex toy placenta tub birth
i am becoming a spam email

kelley: you are DCCC generated emails

Mark: i had an obama person come to my door the other day

kelley: you told me

Mark: she wouldnt leave
the world needs to know
she kept insinuating that the campaign office had good drugs

kelley: which tier

Mark: and her boobs were everywhere

kelley: as in ‘Total Recall’ mars mutant triple boobs?

Mark: janet jackson at the super bowl

kelley: or just… not strapped in
so JT showed up?

Mark: her dog was JT

kelley: if JT showed up at my door and mentioned a surplus of drugs in the white house

Mark: everyone here is really big on horticulture, she pointed out

kelley: everyone here is really big on genital herpes









Mark: yesterday is a really big theme of this poem

kelley: jovial herpes

Mark: it is like a fleetwood mac song
bill clinton

kelley: guns n roses

Mark: slash giving tub birth in the whole foods
while sarah mclaughlin reads a spam email

kelley: ‘indoorwild’ = into the wild = sean penn = pearl jam
she doesn’t read

Mark: not everything is about school violence kelley

kelley: she just makes commericals about abused dogs
not everything is about eating bad shrooms, mark

Mark: tell that to my gas

kelley: we are discussing the mouse in our kitchen

Mark: everyone has a mouse

kelley: mice are the equivalent to the apartment as pigeons are to a city
or wait
mice are the pigeon of the abode

kelley: or the pigeon of your dealing
i mean dwelling
‘they only take what they need’
‘they are good cleaners’

Mark: sounds racist to me
next he’s going to tell you that he wishes his dad was mexican
so he could get more votes

kelley: basically, we are going to let the mouse continue shitting on our stove top




Urethra Franklin and Healthcare

me:  so. i purchased it online. that is all done with. i walked the dog. i can’t feel the left side of my body. and it burns when i pee

 Mark:  so you are basically living the frank zappa album “joe’s garage”
all you need to do now is get arrested for having sex with a vacuum and then work at a muffin factory