It is the AM and I haven’t slept. But I have seen a drunk girl face plant on the sidewalk while I was sitting on my porch. She wasn’t wearing underwear. Shaved.
Also, a cluster of inebriated dudes stopped to pet my dog while I walked her and one of the guys started smelling my hair. I ended up sort of batting at his face? Like a cat? Because – what?
Woman in grocery store parking lot yelled at me for wearing ‘the wrong sweatshirt.’
I fed the stray dog some ham.
This is how I wake up in the mornings.
So, we’ve almost lived here a year and I am still getting side-eye all the time. For example, some people I interact with – I have to tell them my partner is my fiance. And I spend most of my time pretending he is a roommate who infuriates me to the point where I rush off to Atlanta for five days in the middle of a “discussion.” Calling him something other than, “Listen up, you” is really hard for me. Especially because this is how I usually leave the house:
Anyway, at work I see a vehicle next to mine and this big guy is standing outside by my door. I see the SUV says, “Mobile Fire Rescue” or something, so I say, “The building was probably burnt by the time you got here.” And he just looks at me like I am crazy, so I make it worse by being like: because… Mobile. hours… away. from. here?
And he sort of snort/laughs and nods. So then I’m annoyed because he is STILL standing right by my car door and it turns into:
But because I just free associate / I am an external thinker – I ask, “Where do you think that whole trope of firemen rushing to rescue a cat from a tree came from? Does that happen? Did it ever happen? Doesn’t the Humane Society handle that shit?”
And he says, “Not nice language for a young lady to be usin’.” At that point I get real:
and puff up and say, “Then you should probably get the fuck away from my car.”
The burly fireman storms off and I still have no clue what he was doing there, but man – I don’t know how I live here sometimes.
Seriously, I thought the cat in the tree stereotype was a valid point?
Left for the beach
Back from the beach
Allergic to seafood
Tried to get everyone to watch ‘Independence Day’ because I want Bill Pullman running our country. But I want it to be ‘While You Were Sleeping’ Bill
Alabama/Mississippi Gulf = nothing more patriotic than that
We received the Target-lesbian-stare in Alabama today. Only one of us has the gay, but we look goddamn good as a couple. So I’m down.
So…we watched both X-Files movies. What the hell was that?!
The second one = special service announcement about the Catholic Church / CSI Fargo / Scully needing to eat a pizza / and just … no facial expressions.
Also, Alabama has some great billboards.
One was like this, same words and arm span-out, but much bloodier:
The other: www.IsHeInYou.com – and I was like, WHO?
Then I found out it was an actual website.
Another church sign told us: “A woman that fears the Lord should be Praised.”
Which just made me want to change it to say, “Hey girl, you take a punch pretty well. Stay with him, it is worth it – divorce is bad,” because it’d be the same message in a way.
Other discussions while driving back from the river: I would write a story about how my whole life I misheard people – and thought they were calling me a “real thespian.” Until the fateful day when I realized I had issues paying attention and they were actually calling me a ‘lesbian.’ This mix-up would result in me never pursuing a career in acting, but desperately pursuing a career in vagina.